Both Sides
by Steel and Ink
Summary: when a Jedi padawan ends up on a Separatist planet, someone could change her view on life for the better...Luxsoka. booyah.
1. Chapter 1

Okay everyone, I've had this bouncing around in my head for a while and I want to get it the hell out of there, so I'm writing this story YAY IM SO EXCITED IT SHALL BE AMAZING!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, or any characters used. I am not affiliated with any minor Star Wars production companies or George Lucas (though he is my hero).

Chapter 1

I follow Padme calmly down the hall of the Senate building, exiting into the bright reflective glares of the skyscrapers of Coruscant. I blink for a moment before refocusing my eyes on Padme's lavender-cloaked figure, headed in the direction of her speeder. An attendant and a security guard hop in the green speeder after us, filling the remaining space. I sense the driver rolling his eyes as we take off into the filled airways: this isn't the first time the speeder has had to hold too many passengers.

The ride back to Senator Amidala's penthouse is cramped and awkward, and relief floods my veins as we exit onto the top of her apartment building. Her guard stations himself by the front door as we descend and enter her penthouse. It is truly beautiful: smooth, curving lines define the furniture and building style, with pleasant, natural blues and greens filling gaps left by the awkward architecture.

Taking a seat on the sofa, Padme gestures to me. "Ahsoka, come over here. I need to talk to you."

I grimace and sit down, knowing this conversation won't be pretty. Whenever the Senator wants to talk to me, it's usually about politics or that Master Skywalker is angry with me again. I sigh and flop onto the couch, ready for whichever topic she brings up.

It's politics. "You know, Ahsoka, this war isn't completely black and white. Both sides have ugly issues underneath their main motives: there are bad people in the Republic-" "KNEW THAT," I state calmly. I'm bored out of my mind. I wonder if Commander Fox got the new training guns in yet: he usually asks me to practice with them.

"AHSOKA! Pay attention!" Padme's loud voice interrupts my pleasant dreams of annihilating tester droids. I sigh. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?" I drawl out my words, hoping to inspire a more interesting conversation from her.

She frowns and walks into her office, and I follow. As the Jedi Padawan assigned to her protection, I follow Senator Padme Amidala of Naboo everywhere she goes, including her most private chambers. I try to avoid her bedroom, though. When you're sixteen and the Senator you're guarding is married, the bedroom she and her husband share can never be a fun place to stick around.

Padme moans and stands by her desk, gazing out the window at the speeder traffic rushing by. "You won't listen. Jedi never do," she murmurs. "I wish I could talk to Senator Bonteri." I half-listen as I flick my nails, asking about the unfamiliar name. "Who's he?"

She giggles lightly. I hate when she does that: she has the most annoying laugh I've ever heard, and I'm just grateful she didn't laugh full out.

"He is a she," she tells me. "A member of the Confederation of Independent Systems." I look up, amazed. "Your _friend _is a _Separatist? _One of Dooku's pawns?_" _I exclaim. She nods calmly as shock fills my veins. "Most of the Separatist senators were Representatives in the Republic. I was close with many of the Senators who left. I may not agree with them, but they're more than pawns."

I turn to face her. "If you think negotiating is the right thing to do, let's talk to her." Then of course Padme had to go off on a tangent about the Senate making it illegal and how I should use my status as a Jedi to sneak her behind enemy lines and blah blah blah. I groan inwardly and hold up my hand. "Relax. I'll help you," I tell her. "Where are we going?"

She smiles at me as she exits the room to get on her traveling clothes. "Raxis," she murmurs. I follow her out of the room, suddenly tense: I had a dream about a planet last night with purple trees and golden cliffs, and the name of it started with R. I knew it was a Separatist planet, and I fought to get away, but something kept me there: a figure cloaked in gray. A boy, I think: sixteen, around my age. He clung to me, preventing me from soaring into a pitch-black sky. I woke up as he dragged me back towards a towering yellow building. It scared the hell out of me, but I dismissed it as just a dream: and now, we were going to a Separatist planet called Raxis…a place that just might fit the description.

Still, I guard Amidala at all times, whether I like it or not. Except her room, obviously. So no matter what my opinion, I promised I would get her to Raxis. And I never go back on my word.

~on a cargo ship~

It's been three days since Padme had this crazy idea, and I thought she wouldn't actually go through with it. But here we are on a cargo ship headed for Raxis, and the idea sounds even less appealing.

Padme has spotted the distressed look I've tried to wipe from my face. As a Jedi, I must be passive-aggressive no matter who watches, but my concern about this venture worries me more than it should. I can't knock the feeling that something will happen to me on Raxis. My worries heighten even further as we descend into the atmosphere of the planet: golden hills, patrolled by Separatist droids and gunships, slope down into a purple ocean. Just like in my dream.

I shiver and turn away from the window as Padme places her hand on my knee. "I know you're worried, Ahsoka," she whispers calmly. "This planet runs on the fumes of pain and political suffering, and you've been trained to kill all Separatists on site. Still, Mina Bonteri and her family resemble none of the leaders you've met: they are good people."

I move her hand away. "Please relax, Senator Amidala. My concerns are not your concerns. Besides, Master Skywalker trusts me with your well-being: I hope you do too." She nods and settles back into her seat, and we both tense as we head for the exit door: Separatist droids check identification papers to make sure travelers have come legally. And unfortunately, we don't have them.

We disembark our blocky gray transport, bags clutched tightly in our fists. We head to the left, as Padme's letter from Senator Bonteri instructed. As a Separatist droid spots us, a blond girl wearing strange black makeup distracts it while we continue to a tall woman with brown hair and a blue lacy dress. She turns, a huge smile already plastered on her face. "Hello, old friend," she says to Padme. Senator Amidala grins. "Ahsoka, this is Mina Bonteri. She was my mentor when I grew up on Naboo," she tells me. I lower my hood, revealing my Padawan training beads dangling from my lekku.

"Ah! Welcome," Senator Bonteri murmurs, taking in the revelation that I am a Jedi. She recovers her composure quickly, placing her arm around Padme's shoulders. "Now come. I have a transport waiting."

As Padme follows her down the platform, I turn in a circle, taking in the cascading golden cliffs. A sky bluer than any I have ever seen glows above, making reflections on the lavender water of the ocean. I replace my hood, suddenly feeling lost, as though the trusted Force has abandoned me on this planet of the enemy.

~break~

So R&R please guys! I hope it was all right! We'll meet Lux next chapter…SEXY.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys- thanks for the reviews! sorry it's been a few days- I was at Disneyland. JEALOUS? I THINK YOU ARE.

please enjoy chapter two. LUX IS HERE OMG :D

Chapter 2

As Senator Bonteri's shuttle soars through the skies, she and Senator Amidala talk of old times on Naboo. I groan inwardly and tune out the murmured words, surveying the Senator's two handmaidens.

One blond, one brunette. Both the girls look to be about 18 or 20, with slim frames and high cheekbones. They wear knee-length black dresses and dark gray gloves, gray tights stretching to their strange black ankle-height boots. Their faces are coated with gray blush, black lipstick, and dark eyeshadow. Their blank expressions, directed at Senator Bonteri, fill me with angst, and I turn my gaze away from their oddities.

Gazing out the window, my nervousness returns at the sight of the lavender water below us. I can't shake the feeling that my abilities with the Force have faded: for the first time since the start of my training, I feel no energy course through me. I'm exhausted and unhappy, and when I tried to mind-control one of the handmaidens I couldn't do it. All my energy is gone.

I have no idea how to protect Senator Amidala.

"Ah, here we are," Senator Bonteri exclaims. I snap back to attention and look out the window. A magnificent gray and gold building looms before us, built on an island in this strange sea. Stone steps lead from the mansion down to the landing platform.

Suddenly, a surge of energy hits me, and I gasp. A dark figure seated on the edge of the steps looks familiar: the trapping boy from my dream. Padme looks concernedly at me, and slides from her seat by Senator Bonteri. "Ahsoka, are you all right?" she whispers. I spot her brow furrowed with worry and sigh. Padme may be a Senator, but she doesn't need to know about everyone's problems. This is a happy occasion for her: I won't ruin it.

I smile. "I'm fine," I tell her. Her face remains worried, and I place my hand on her arm. "Please. Go back to your conversation. Everything's fine."

She returns to Senator Bonteri, who rises from her seat and heads towards the door. Their conversation returns to times on Naboo, and I grab my bag. My last glance out the window leads me to spot a dock jutting out over the water, confirming my suspicion: this was the place I dreamed of. Now to let events unfold.

At last, the ship lands, and I disembark. For the first time I remember, I feel lost and confused. I shake my head. "FOCUS, Ahsoka," I whisper to myself.

My cloak removed, I step out onto the gray platform, blinking in the bright sunlight. I tune back in to the Senators' conversation, knowing I must focus completely on Padme. "How times have changed since last we met," she says. Senator Bonteri nods, placing her hand on Padme's back. "Let's go inside. There's much to discuss." A boy, about my age, comes down from his perch on the steps and bows, taking Padme's bag.

It has to be the dark figure from earlier…but it can't be. The shadow in my dream was dark, mysterious, completely evil: this guy is the complete opposite.

I have never seen anyone more beautiful in my life.

His black hair accents a bony, well-shaped face: full lips and a thin, straight nose complete the image. He is handsome, for certain. His gray cloak and white collar accent his tall frame, giving him a majestic, yet approachable air. I scan him rapidly before returning to his most prominent feature: his eyes. I've never seen anything like them. They shine in the sunlight: not sparkle, like some boys' I've met. They are the dark gray of a thundercloud on Kamino, radiating an intense, calm energy.

In these precious few moments I take to survey him, he finishes taking Padme's bag and heads for mine. I snap back to attention. He may be handsome, but I can't forget that dream: this boy will be trouble.

He reaches for my bag. "May I?" he asks politely. I nearly faint. Handsome AND good manners. Two things I've never seen paired together in a boy. I refocus, summoning what little energy I have. "I can handle it," I snap, snatching my bag away from him. He shifts his mouth, confusion spreading over his face, and I continue forward before his sweet innocence overcomes me.

I meet Padme in the great hall. "Ahsoka, there you are!" she exclaims. "Mina has gone to finish preparing our rooms. Did you meet Lux?" I nod and absorb his name. Lux. It seems almost royal.

"Who is he? A servant?" I ask. Padme laughs. "No, Ahsoka. Lux is Senator Bonteri's son."

My heart drops, filled with cold dread and suspicion. He's a Separatist: another reason not to trust him. Padme regards me with a worried glance. "Ahsoka, you are not all right," she murmurs. She places her hand on my forehead, and I shut my eyes. I'm exhausted: standing up to Lux drained me completely. I can feel her frown from here. "Ahsoka, you're much too warm. And you look awful. We need Mina: you have to lie down." "I'm fine…I'm fine…" I mumble. "Watch." I take a few steps forward, trying to focus, before collapsing at Padme's feet. I moan as she kneels beside me. I think I'm going to be sick.

This is impossible. The Force has always been beside me, backed me, kept me healthy. And now, just when I need it to help me, it abandons me.

Above me, I hear muffled shouts: Amidala's cry for someone to get over there, servants bustling about, the light steps of Senator Bonteri. Suddenly, a pair of strong arms lifts me, and I put my hand to my head. I ascend the stairs, another pair of feet hitting the steps, and I still loosely clutch my bag in my hand. I am laid down on a soft bed, whispered voices continuing above me. The strong arms vanish, my bag pried from my hand. I recognize Lux's voice along with Senator Amidala's.

"Is she ill? Can I fetch the doctor?" his voice fills the room, and I grit my teeth. He's a grown boy, and still his voice is higher than my own. Handsome, whatever. Padme's soothing words fill the room. "Thank you, Lux. I can take care of her. Please tell your mother I will be down soon: and Lux, thank you for bringing her up here."

I hear a door shut, and I wince. If Lux carried me up here, he saw me weak. I mentally kick myself: a Separatist can never see a Jedi weak. It shows we could be vulnerable. I kick myself again for leaving my lightsabers in my bag. Who knows what he could have done with a limp Jedi padawan in that minute?

A cool cloth hits my forehead, and I sigh, clearing my mind. To deal with these Separatists, I need to be in top form, and I have to heal before I get there. I fall gradually into sleep, pleasant dreams filling my head.

One dream leaps out at me. I stand on the edge of the dock once again, staring at the sky, Lux Bonteri pulling my arm. Only this time, instead of crying and trying to escape, I go with him. The sun rises over the edge of the ocean, turning the water back to lavender from black, and I run gleefully after him back towards the mansion. We reach the bottom of the steps, where he lifts me and whirls me around before kissing me, and I feel this is not the first time he has kissed me. I race to the top of the steps, grinning down at him before opening the front door.

I leap back in shock at the sight of Separatist battle droids. Their commander orders them to open fire, and I hear Lux's yells as blaster fire penetrates my heart.


	3. Chapter 3

well…that last chapter was very not-Ahsoka. AHSOKA WOULD NEVER FAINT. NEVER. but this is my story, so, YAY, lux carrying her in his strong teenage arms=angst. something like that.

yeah…R&R please! still in Ahsoka's POV, but I don't know if I'm gonna switch POV's at all…let me know in a review!

Chapter 3

I wake a few hours later to hushed voices outside my room. Sitting up quietly, I sneak over to the door and press my ear against the wall.

Padme and Mina. I hold my breath and listen more closely. "Padme, I understand your protective instinct, but this is really too far. A JEDI PADAWAN in a Separatist household. If any servants leak this, do you have any idea what trouble our family could be in?" Padme sighs. "Ahsoka is my assigned guardian. She trains hard every day and works very closely with her master. I trust them both with my life. Besides, even if I wanted to get away from here, she's charged with my protection. She goes where I go."

I smile at her defense of me. She and Master Skywalker have always been close, and she respects me as much as she does him, even if I'm only sixteen. I decide to head out and leap up, my energy restored. After sticking my lightsabers back in my belt, I slide open my door and grin at them, my energy strangely returned. "Hello, ladies. Did I miss anything?"

Mina looks taken aback, but Padme, always the diplomat, plasters a calm smile on her face. "Nothing much, Ahsoka. Please come with us. If I'm to teach you about politics, you should hear our coming discussion." I nod and follow them down the hall into a large, sunny room.

Padme gazes out the window. I follow her eyes and realize she looks at Lux. Though I know she's married, something resembling jealousy fills me.

What the hell? I shouldn't be jealous. I don't even like Lux. He's a Separatist, cold-hearted and vicious. I lean against the wall in the shadows as Senator Bonteri returns with drinks.

"He's grown so much, Mina," Padme says, glancing back at the Senator. I roll my eyes and tune out. I miss Master Skywalker. During boring conversations we usually mimic the people talking, making squinched-up faces until we have to keep ourselves from cracking up.

Then suddenly, I catch Senator Bonteri's line about how the Republic's influence is badly shaping Lux. I fill with rage. "Forgive me, but aren't you a Separatist? Weren't you the ones who _started _this war?" I snap. Mina freezes before walking away and gripping the back of a chair. "My husband fought bravely. He was killed almost one year ago by Jedi and your clone troopers. My husband…Lux's father…"

I take a step backwards, filled with shock and grief. They may be Separatists, but…to lose a loved one…

And I was just a complete jerk.

"Excuse me. I think I'll…step outside," I murmur, before racing out the door. I slam the door to the yard behind me and lean on it, taking a deep breath. The warm air pulses with the Force, and I sigh. Where was it when I fainted two hours ago? When I felt nothing? I gasp for breath, mentally kicking myself for being such a bitch about Separatists. They lose and feel just like I do. I cross my arms behind my back and descend the steps, thinking about the best way to apologize to Senator Bonteri.

A low voice interrupts my thoughts. "You're a Jedi, aren't you?" I turn calmly to find a stony-faced Lux staring me down. "Yes. Why do you ask?" I reply. Just ignore his amazing eyes…I'll be fine.

He leaps down from the stone banister. "Before the war, I was always told Jedi were good. Now I don't know anymore." I sigh and continue down the steps. "I'm the first Jedi you've ever met, aren't I?" He stops at the foot of the stairs. "Well…uh-yes." I try to ignore his stuttered reply and how adorable it is. Clearly one of us has more emotional control than the other. Still, I can't help toying with him, as long as he's a little confused.

I cross my arms. "Look at me. I'm not so bad, am I?" I ask him. He looks me up and down, and I can sense the shiver of pleasure radiating from him. I roll my eyes: clearly, Lux is no different from any other boy in the universe, and I tell him so before I continue walking.

"Wait!" he cries. I slow down, and he basically repeats my trick. I raise my eyebrows. Maybe he's not stupid. HALLELUJAH.

We sit under a gazebo in their backyard. "So…Ahsoka…can I call you Ahsoka?" he asks. I shrug, and he grins before continuing. "What's life as a Jedi like?"

I moan. "You have no idea. Every day I wake up before sunrise for dueling practice. Then I meditate for the most boring four hours ever, and then my master and I are usually sent out on patrol until 2 am. And if we're not at the Jedi Temple, then we're in battle, and that means even longer days. Still, I love it, you know? I mean, I'm not your average teenager, but I like what I do."

He sighs. "Huh," he murmurs. "I know what you mean. As the son of a Senator, people watch my behavior every moment of every day. I have to act perfectly around everyone: here, in town, on trips to Mandalore…it's crazy. I can't ever just be normal."

His face lights up. "Hey- I have an idea!" he exclaims. He grabs my shoulders and swivels me around. "What if we sneak off one day? Just borrow one of the family speeders and head into town to grab some lunch and wander?"

I sigh. "Lux, I don't want to do that. You're a Separatist and I'm a Jedi, and I know what you're going for here. You like me, don't you?" He blushes dark red and stands up, staring me down. "No. I just wanted to get to know you better, to try to figure out if maybe not all Jedi are bad. But if the first thing you do is accuse me of trying to use you for some selfish purpose, you can just forget it." He storms away, and I rise quickly, but by the time I stand he's already halfway up the stairs. I stare at his retreating form, and at the door he looks back at me before vanishing into the house.

I sigh and sit back down to meditate. That's just great. I've pissed off the entire Bonteri family. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to focus on the Force. I let it clear my mind, helping me to rise off the ground. An image of Lux flashes under my eyes, and I frown, shoving it away.

I lift the gazebo over my head and rotate it until it has gone in a full circle before setting it down again. Suddenly, I am aware of a presence near me, and I open my eyes. Lux stands before me, gazing down with a combination of fear and awe in his eyes. Raw emotion shines from his gray eyes, turning them a shade or two lighter. "That was amazing," he whispers.

I nod and stand. "Lux, I'm sorry I blamed you right away. It's just my master taught me to kill Separatists on sight, and I do it, since most of them are droids. But then there's you, and you're a Separatist, and I should hate you but I don't, and I am REALLY confused right now." I plunk back down onto the bench under the gazebo and set my elbows on my knees.

Lux kneels in front of me and grins, and it takes all my self-control not to lean forward and kiss him. I have to feel nothing. Jedis can't have emotional attachment. They can't. They can't.

He smiles again and brushes my training beads away from my eyes. Okay, screw Jedi tradition.

"It's all right, Ahsoka. I apologize for overreacting. What do you say we head into town tomorrow and start over?" I sit up straight and nod. He smiles wider than ever. "Wonderful. Be ready at noon." He leans forward and lightly kisses my cheek before standing and walking away.

My flesh tingles where he touched it. DAMN him for being so amazing. I shut my eyes and return to my meditating, trying to slow my racing heart.


	4. Chapter 4

hey guys…so sorry I haven't written in a while. I was…focused on other stuff. yeah. just read, I guess.

this chapter is really focused on Ahsoka, no Lux…sorry!

Chapter 4

I start and leap out of bed at the sound of thunder. Looking outside, I curse silently: dark clouds send rain pelting down, streaming past my window. So much for going out with Lux today.

I turn back and change out of my nightclothes into my Jedi robes: I try to avoid my tight battle gear on rainy days. Bad weather means time, and after the chaos of the past few days I'm in desperate need of a long meditation session. I post a note on the door, asking not to be interrupted, before settling cross-legged on the soft covers. I lift my hood over my hood and shut my eyes, enclosing myself in a cool world of gray.

Slipping into a dream-like trance, I find myself walking in the dark underbelly of Coruscant. Usually this would feel normal: me on patrol in the streets, looking for anything out of the ordinary. But this dream version of Coruscant fills me with dread: the normally packed streets are completely empty: silence floats, misting between the dark buildings. An eerie calm seeps from the pavement, sending a message of hidden darkness. I walk forward, lightsabers clutched at my sides. Sweat forms on my brow as I continue through the barren neighborhood: not a soul to be found. I can't muster the courage to enter one of the eerie houses.

Suddenly, I hear whispers echoing down the street, and I sprint forward, desperate to find a way out of this strange place. I pass row after row of dark, empty houses, listening to the voices slowly grow louder. At last, when I'm panting from exhaustion, I pass a dark alleyway and spot two figures leaning against the walls of the apartments on either side. I retrace my steps and lean around the edge of the building, recognizing the faces: Padme and Master Skywalker.

I want to run to them, to lean against the wall with them, but something feels wrong. They murmur to each other in a language I don't understand: rough, cool, almost sexy…

…and then they start making out.

I shiver and run, trying desperately to forget what I've just seen. I stop at a streetlight and retch, gagging on the air that clogs my throat. I bang my head against the light pole, hoping to clear my head. What the hell was that? Senator Padme Amidala, a galactic official, kissing a Jedi Master? I mean, I knew they knew each other, but the Senator has a husband!

Oh my god.

Master Skywalker is her husband.

I back up against the light and sink to the ground, gasping for breath. I may be a Jedi, but no training could have prepared me for something like this.

"It can't be. You're dreaming. You're meditating," I tell myself. But somehow, I know in my gut that it's true. Meditation isn't a world of fiction. I see things that are real: visions of the future, what's happening around me, events of the past. This has to have happened before. What I witnessed really happened, at least once. And from the intensity of their kissing, it wasn't the only occasion.

I take a deep breath in and begin walking again, my mind clearing as things fall into place. Her unusual casuality around a Jedi Knight. Why he hangs around the Senate building so much. Where he goes at night on Coruscant. Why didn't I realize it before?

They've been clever. Leaving the smallest hints that could be picked up only by the most brilliant minds in the universe. I had no idea, and I'm supposed to be with Anakin sixteen hours a day.

A sudden force knocks me out of my reverie, and I fall to the ground, bumped by a passersby. "Hey!" I yell. "Watch where you're going! There isn't even anyone else on this street!"

The dark-robed figure freezes in its tracks before turning quickly on its heel. I spot a wicked grin spread across its face, its eyes and nose still cloaked in shadow from the hood of its cloak. It stalks closer, revealing long slender legs: female, then. I brace myself for whatever fight this monster wants to offer, drawing my lightsaber. It stops right in front of me and lowers its hood:

Me.

I gasp and stare at myself. I've encountered multiple parts of my personality during meditation before, but this one looks completely unfamiliar. I lower my weapon and replace it in my belt.

It removes the cloak, letting it fall to the ground, and I shudder. It wears a dark red bikini, barely covering itself, as though it wants to show off as much of me as possible. "Cover me up," I hiss. "Which part of me are you?"

The other me smiles. "I am the one you've denied," she whispers. Then without warning, she reaches straight into my chest and grabs my heart, yanking it back out. I gasp and fall to the ground, coughing blood as I die.

My eyes pop open as I scream and fall to the floor, clutching madly at the bedcovers, the pillows, anything that could stop my fall. I pant on the floor, tangled in sheets and my cloak. I reach up and unclasp my cloak, letting it fall to the floor as I scramble to a standing position. I lean against the window frame, breathing deeply as I shove down the panic welling within me. My long-sleeved red shirt and my gray pants restrict me, and I fight the urge to rip them off. Whatever part of me attacked me, it's trying to control me, and I have to fight back with everything I have.

My door slides open. "Ahsoka? Ahsoka, what happened? I heard you scream!" Padme's cool, worried voice fills the room. I turn slowly, unsure of how to react. I take her in slowly: her calm eyes, her dignified manner. I realize now that she might not actually care about me; but if anything happens to me while she's in charge, Master Skywalker might kill her, and she doesn't want to risk that with her marriage.

It's a selfish, selfish move.

I narrow my eyes. "Padme, I had a revelation while I was meditating." "About what?" she asks calmly. I walk over and slam the door behind her, whirling around to give her an intense stare. She seems calm, but I can see her shoulders trembling a little. I continue, almost enjoying the power her fear brings me. "It was strange. I saw you- and Master Skywalker- in a dark alley. _Kissing._" Padme's panic is written all over her face, and I grin before going on. "I'm sorry, Senator Amidala Naberrie. Or should I say, Amidala _Skywalker_?"

She sits on my bed, hands folded in her lap. Her face has gone completely white, contrasting strangely with her pink dress. "It's true," she whispers. I sit next to her, my violent joy ebbing at the sight of her distress. I'm her _guardian_, for God's sake, and I just caused whatever distress she might have experienced on this trip. I rub her back softly, moving my hand in slow, long circles. She shuts her eyes for a moment before snapping them open and whirling around to face me. "You can't tell anyone, Ahsoka. No one at all. You must guard the secret with your life. It means trouble for everyone."

I nod calmly and watch her leave the room.

Pacing the floor, I clutch my head, interrupted by the sudden throbbing of my temples. I kneel on the floor, moaning in pain. A flash of red blurs my vision, and then I feel the shift from physical to mental. I slump on the floor of my mind, half-asleep, until a sharp kick in my ribs awakens me. I stand, defenseless, as the scandalous me from earlier walks away and lowers herself into a chair.

"Hello, me," she whispers with a smile, and I growl. "What do you want, bitch?" She frowns. "Tsk tsk. A bit fast with the insults, aren't we? After all, I'm a part of your personality." She grins wickedly. I frown, clutching where she kicked me: the wound is bleeding. I glare at her sharp high heels, freshly coated with red blood. "I don't have time to die slowly with you," I hiss. "Just tell me what you want and send me back."

She kneels and grabs my lekku, forcing me to look up into her eyes. "I am you, but you know that already. I am the part of you that embraces being a woman: the part that enjoys being around men, getting attention, trying on fancy clothes. Ever since the beginning of your training, you have ignored me. Well not anymore. I will be in your life, whether you want me there or not." With that, she shoves me backwards, and I fall until I hit a hard surface. I open my eyes for a lovely view of the ceiling of my room on Raxis.

I lie there, hands on the ground, until something warm hits my hand. I sit up and look at my arm: covered in blood. This time, the wound is real.

Shit.

~asdfghjkl~

R&R please guys! Lux is comin next chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

WHOA SNAP LAST CHAPTER WAS VERY VERY CONFUSING AND DRAMATIC! yeah basically ahsoka is bleeding on the floor right now…BUT HERE COMES LUX! WOOT!

Sorry I haven't updated in a while…I have ten zillion other ideas rocketing around in my head!

Chapter 5

I stand quickly and hobble to the emergency kit in the closet: I've dealt with wounds like this before. Sometimes it pays to have military training.

I unhang the kit from the wall and pop it open, immediately reaching for the roll of bandage cloth. I pull off my shirt and remove my hand to examine the wound: not as bad as I thought. It's definitely deep, but it's narrow, so with a lot of pressure the blood should stop flowing. I unroll the bandages and begin.

Damn.

My arms can't reach all the way around me to wrap the cloth without the wound practically killing me.

As blood trickles down my legs, I limp out into the hall toward Padme's room. She'll be able to help me. Suddenly, I trip on an item a few feet from my door, falling sharply on my elbow, which jabs my arm into the wound. I gasp as the fresh wave of pain hits. Unable to stand again, I lie helpless on the cold floor. If I could reach my lightsaber, I could at least cauterize it, but the pain is nearly too great. I clench my teeth and focus on the Force, channeling what healing energy I can to the wound.

The sound of footsteps, slow and then faster, breaks my concentration, and I open my eyes to find Lux kneeling over me.

"Damn," I mutter. He grins. "Why? Not who you wanted to see?" He frowns at my hands clenched over my bloodstained tank top, and I imagine how I must look with the bandage trailing away from me. "What happened to you?" he asks.

"I don't know," I growl. "I don't know." I try to sit up, but the pain comes again, stronger than before: I'm losing blood quickly. "I need your help," I mutter. He nods and takes the end of the bloodstained bandage from me. "This is going to hurt, but I need you to sit up," he tells me. I nod and quickly lift myself off the ground, squeezing my eyes shut against the pain. I feel cool cloth wrap itself tightly around my waist before Lux's arm comes under my shoulder.

"You need to stand up," he whispers, and I nod in my stupor, rising up and placing my arm around his shoulders. With his help, I manage to stumble back to my room and collapse in the chair by the window. I don't need to turn my head to see the concerned look on his face.

"Ahsoka, what were you doing? Did you do this to yourself?" he asks, pacing in front of my door. I sigh. "Lux, if I explained what happened, you would think I'm crazy."

He walks to my chair and sits on the window ledge. "That doesn't answer my question. Did you to this to yourself? Do you need help?" I lean back in the chair. "No. Yes! I don't know! I don't know what's happening anymore!" I cry. We sit in pensive silence for a while.

"I think I'm going insane," I murmur.

Lux heads for the door, speaking as he walks. "I'll be back in an hour with some food and better bandages. Promise me you won't move from that spot." I growl at him, but he gives me a level stare. "Ahsoka, I'm not going anywhere until you promise me nothing will happen." I sigh. "I promise," I mutter. "Hot food triumphs over free will."

Without another word, he leaves the room, and I gaze out at the black, unrelenting storm clouds. What's happening to me?

Suddenly, a face appears in the window, and I figure it's just my reflection. But when she starts talking and I don't, I know exactly who it is: the bad Ahsoka. The one who wants attention.

"Hello, my friend. You're not going insane, much as I want that to happen. Your Jedi training and battle experience are simply causing some…problems with my takeover." I snarl menacingly. "You talk big talk for a small part of me," I hiss. She clucks her tongue. "Now, now, Ahsoka. Unconsciously, you're as excited for this as I am. And like it or not, that Lux boy is taking us both places."

"Lux? Are you kidding me? What does he have to do with YOU?" I ask. I can't trust a word she says. Not. One. Word.

She laughs, a cold, exotic sound echoing through the room. "Oh darling, you have to be seeing it. You LIKE him, and that's helping me more than you know. Every time you see him, every time he touches you, something lovely comes from your heart! It's like a power boost to me- and you don't even know it's happening!" I growl. "I will be nothing like you," I mutter.

She grins. "Get used to it, babe. You and I will soon be exactly the same person." With that, she vanishes, and I place my palm to my forehead, unsure of my own future.

A while later, the door slides open and closed again, and I turn to find Lux approaching. I press my hand against my wound: fresh blood has come, but the flow seems to have stopped. Still, my turn put pressure on it, and I wince as I resume my gaze out the window.

Lux places a hot bowl of soup in front of me. "Eat it all," he tells me. "It's got karman root: sort of a blood clotting herb. It should stop some of the pain." I spoon it into my mouth, eating cautiously: I can't be messy in front of the Senator's son. Separatist or not, I have good manners around everyone.

A little voice in my head whispers, _No-__you__only__eat__sweetly__because__it__'__s__HIM._I tell it, _Shut__up._I finish the soup as Lux wraps a blanket around my shoulders and kneels in front of me. "I have somewhere great to show you, and it only appears when it rains. Do you feel well enough?" I nod, and he takes my hand, leading me out to the front courtyard.

I fold the blanket into a more covering layer as we hop on a covered speeder. "Hold tight," he whispers, and I wrap my arms around his waist.

I can feel him shivering with delight under my fingertips, but whether it's from me or from anticipation I can't tell. I blush, knowing the other me was right: I do like Lux. But I only like him, and I won't tell him so: things shouldn't escalate into anything big and dramatic.

Still, as he slows the speeder, I'm excited. Something major will happen here. I know it.

He hops off the speeder and takes helps me down, and I wince as I hit the ground: that herb in the soup did a lot, but it didn't end the pain completely. He leads me through a tangled mess of dark trees, whose branches grow so thick above us that no rain at all drips through. We approach a cave, and I take a deep breath: I'm not a fan of rocks.

"This way," Lux whispers, and without another word he takes off through the opening in the rocks. Not wanting to be left behind, I race after him, using the Force to slip through tighter cracks.

I emerge in a great cavern, a pool of water taking up almost the entire floor of the cave. Lux waits for me and grins. "Look up," he whispers. My eyes trace the rock walls all the way to the ceiling, and I gasp.

Raindrops filter through the rocks, becoming mist. In the powdery water, colors dance, forming all sorts of shapes and rainbows before descending gracefully into the main pool. Each drop creates a perfect ripple in the water. I have never felt more connected with the Force.

"It's beautiful," I whisper. "There's no words to describe it." Lux grins. "I think the action counts more than the speaking," he says. He kisses my cheek lightly, and I blush. What's so bad about this? What's wrong with a little…

NO! The sensible part of my brain bitch-slaps the other me. I sigh with relief and pull away from Lux. "We can't do this," I whisper. "But…" "NO, Lux! I'm leaving! I can't start this with anyone. I won't ruin a future for one hopeless fling. I'm going back to your house right now."

I storm out of the caves and hop on the speeder, yanking Lux in before speeding off into the undergrowth.


	6. Chapter 6

hi! sorry I haven't updated in a long time, I've been working on some other stories! check them out at by searching "SteelAndInk" in the author box!

okay, I'm done whoring myself out. on with the story!

Chapter 6

I sit quietly at the grand table, wincing whenever I move my arm to eat something. Lifting my fork, I attempt to salvage what little dignity I can through my stiff movements. Padme shoots me worried glances from across the table, but my sore abdomen keeps me unable to turn too much, so I can't really look at Senator Bonteri or Lux. Thank goodness.

It's been three days since our little outing, and I haven't seen the other me around either. By avoiding Lux and not thinking about romance, I've shut her down, at least for a little while.

My inner thoughts remain chaotic. My Jedi training has taught me to restrain myself emotionally, but it's very difficult to control your entire mind, if even possible. I have an idea of what to do, but it could take days to knock my inner bitch back down into my sweet abyss of ignorance.

I finish the remainder of the delicious food on my plate. "Please excuse me, Senators," I mumble before slowly rising and leaving the room before anyone asks any questions.

Walking as quickly as I can with my wound, I almost reach the door of my room before Padme's voice calls from behind me. "Ahsoka, wait!" I pause and take a breath, turning and giving her time to catch up. She arrives and places her hands on my shoulders. "Ahsoka, are you alright? You've been very quiet the past few days. Is this about how you accidentally insulted Mina?" I respond with silence, and she looks me in the eyes, tilting my chin up. "No, it's not, is it?" she murmurs. Placing her arm around my shoulders, she continues walking towards my room. "Come on. We need to talk this out."

I don't fight her. Normally I would brush it off and keep the problem to myself, but…maybe it would be nice to talk. I'm not even sure I can explain what's wrong.

Padme sits calmly on the bed and pats the spot next to her, and I sit obediently, crossing my legs and leaning back on my elbows. "Why do you have those bandages on your torso? That's a good enough place to start. Ahsoka, is this about Lux? Did he do something to you?" I shake my head. "No, he didn't do this to me. The only thing he's done is disturb my concentration and take my focus away from protecting you. I did this to myself…I think."

She shoots me a confused look, and suddenly, I let it all pour out: my worries about this planet, my inner self trying to control me, how Lux bound my wound, and our excursion three days ago. Rage fills me as I think of the time at the waterfall. "He completely took advantage of me! He could've killed me at any moment! I was wounded and weak and he knew it; that's why he made his move!" My anger builds, and I rant about who-knows-what for several minutes before stopping, taking a deep breath, and flopping back on the bed. "I need to get out of here," I whisper.

Padme pats the top of my head. "Ahsoka, you're facing a serious problem. This "inner you"- I believe you about her, but she's definitely a problem, and if the stress of being around Separatists and your friendship with Lux are jeopardizing your health, we do need to get you off-planet. Mina and I have agreed to propose peace motions in our prospective Senates, and I've had plenty of time to catch up with her. We'll head back to Coruscant on the first possible ship, perhaps tomorrow."

She rises off the bed and heads for the door, turning back at the threshold. "Get some rest, Ahsoka. This has been a trial for you." She leaves, shutting the door to the room.

I don't want to rest, though. I need to talk to someone- anyone. At this point, maybe even…

I slip on a cloak, since it's raining outside, and the path to Lux's quarters leads outdoors to another building of the palace. I pull up the hood and leave the room, peering down the hall to make sure Senator Amidala is gone before taking off in the opposite direction.

Approaching the open corridor, I take a deep breath, enjoying the sweet, rain-scented air and the soft smell of water on pavement. I prolong my journey, letting my cloak soak through as I reopen my connection with the Force. Suddenly, I freeze, like I've walked into a wall.

Something is interfering with the Force: something very, very dark.

I shut my eyes, attempting to calm my mind enough to locate the source of the disturbance. I focus hard, narrowing the blurry sense of interruption to a small dot I can pinpoint with my mind. I sink to the ground, the rain beating down on me, and concentrate on the dot's location. _Concentrate…concentrate…_

The dot is inside me. I sigh and open my eyes: it's other me. It's got to me. I glare down at my chest. "Well, bitch me, we're leaving tomorrow. So like it or not, you're going back into the depths where you belong!" I press my hand against my heart, willing the racing pulse she has caused to slow down, but I only partially succeed.

Damn her. She's getting more powerful.

Rising slowly, I continue my journey to Lux's chambers, noticing small things I didn't feel before: the fabric of my bandages pressing against the wound. The throbbing pain ripping through my torso. The thudding sensation every step sent vibrating through my body.

I pick up the pace, forcing my tired muscles to rise and knock on the door of his room. I feel weaker, as though my very life force is being sucked in by this dark presence.

She can't have grown stronger that quickly.

Lux slides the door open, and I lower my hood, meeting his surprised gray eyes. "Hello Lux," I say. "Can I talk to you?"

He nods and bows just a little, stepping to the side to let me in. I salvage what energy remains and enter, looking around the room with curiosity.

The entire room is some shade of gray, including the view outside. Smooth, light gray sheets cover a wooden bedframe made of darker gray wood. Stone bookshelves line the walls, long-ignored books gathering layers of dust. Two Kaminoan chairs, round and smooth, dangle from the ceiling next to the window. I finish my exploration before turning and facing him.

Sliding the door shut, he turns around, and I can picture every thought running through his mind. Guilt, fear, joy and exhilaration race through his veins as he processes his situation: a wounded Jedi padawan- who he has a crush on- is standing right between him and his bed wearing nothing more than a cloak, a pair of shorts, and a tank top. The expression in his eyes changes rapidly, his emotional gears shifting without a clutch before reason prevails.

He shakes his head and gestures to the chairs. "Please, sit down. Would you like some tea?" I nod and approach the comfortable pod hanging from the ceiling, lowering myself in as carefully as possible. "Thanks. Tea would be great," I say with a smile. He walks to a small table where a pot of water boils, dropping in some herbs before pouring the scented water into a pair of cups and bringing them over. Taking the other chair, he hands me my teacup and glances nervously out the window.

A few moments of awkward silence pass between us, filled with the occasional sip of tea. Finally, I realize I'll be starting the conversation, so I go right ahead.

"Look, Lux, something's wrong with me. I can't explain it completely, but I just needed to talk to someone…and Senator Amidala would tell my master everything." He nods calmly. "I understand. I often feel alone as well," he tells me. "What seems to be the problem? Is your wound not healing?"

I glance down at my lap. "No, the wound is alright. It's just- there's this dark presence I can't explain. It's inside me, trying to conquer me, fighting to get out-" I'm cut off mid-sentence, a sharp pain ripping from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, and I lean forward, emitting a cry of pain: it feels like my flesh is ripping apart.

Lux is at my side in an instant, but I hold up my hand. "Stay away," I gurgle through clenched teeth. "It- wants- you…"

A searing pain burns in my chest, and I scream, my flesh burning and throbbing. I watch with horror as my skin opens, splitting my body in half, and from the navel up I'm cut into halves.

The other me. The one that's a whore. The one who has ruined my entire life steps out of the crater and lands gracefully mere yards from Lux Bonteri.


	7. Chapter 7

I do not own any Star Wars characters and am not affiliated with Lucas, Inc. or Lucasfilms Studios.

Chapter 7

Frozen on the ground, my body split and burning in pain, I feel my spirit transfer from this body to the other. I shrink, my spirit forming into a little version of myself, landing facedown. In the other me's mind, it's just a cold, hollow room, with a large fire burning in the center and illuminating my new prison. The terrible, feminine side of me grins and presses her spirit against my own, smashing me down in her mind and forcing me to watch the unfolding events.

She smiles sweetly at Lux. "Hello, love," she murmurs suggestively. "I've waited a long time to say that."

He dives around her and picks up the lightsabers from my dead body, attaching them closely to the belt of his jacket, and I nod respectfully. Clever move, keeping her away from the weapons.

She shoots him a confused glance. "Lux, darling, what are you doing? I'm Ahsoka. You love me." When his cold expression doesn't change, she shrugs her cloak into a tighter position, emphasizing the curves of her body. "Don't you _want _me?" she purrs.

I gag, retching with disgust into her mind. Maybe I'll hit something and coat her brain in vomit.

When I turn back, my eyes widen with horror and fear. Lux's jaw has gone slack, his hands far from the lightsabers that will protect him. His eye's travel up and down the whore's body, trembling with apprehension and excitement. I can only imagine the ideas rocketing through his head right now, as the girl he loves offers him everything he wants. "LUX! Lux, stop! LUX, SHE'LL KILL YOU! AS SOON AS IT'S OVER SHE'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DO IT!" I shout, my voice echoing against the solid walls of my prison. Other Ahsoka's spirit frowns and smacks me into the wall.

Lux approaches slowly, placing his hands on her waist, and I scream with all my might. As he grows closer, I can see the expression in his eyes: hungry, hopeful, and desperately happy to believe every word she says.

I let my voice silence. He can't hear me and wouldn't listen if he could. A cold, cruel laugh echoes through the chamber, and I sink to my knees.

She won.

I will never be a great Jedi; never be strong enough to control my emotions. This me will wander as a whore, selling herself to gain power and making me watch from this hopeless room, until she can take over the galaxy and build herself an empire with her violent energies.

And Lux will be only the first to be ruined in her path of destruction.

I keep my eyes focused on his face, joyful and ecstatic. He draws closer to her face, his grip on her constant. Suddenly I see a flash of something spark through his eyes, and he freezes mere inches from her body.

"I want you, Ahsoka," he murmurs quietly, and she smiles sweetly at him. I hear a gasp, and the fire in the middle of the room grows brighter. Her gaze shifts, and mine does too, as she looks down to where a lightsaber cuts straight through her torso.

Lux's expression is determined, cold, and serious. "But you are not the girl I fell in love with," he hisses.

The lightsaber draws out of her body and back into Lux's pocket, the blade disappearing with a flash. The wound, already cauterized from the heat of the weapon, is still lethal, and she looks back up, smiling softly. "You win…Jedi," she murmurs at me, before collapsing on the floor. The fire in the center of my prison dims and burns itself out, dissipating into smoke.

A rushing sensation fills my ears, and I transfer back to my old body as her corpse returns to me, and my body sews back up. I gasp to life on the now-bloody floor, the pain in my torso returning: other than that, I think I'm okay.

Lux rushes over and kneels before me, helping me to sit up. "Ahsoka, thank goodness! Are you okay?" he asks quietly. I nod softly and slap him hard across the face before wrapping him in a tight hug.

When I release him, he glares at me, blood rushing to his cheeks. "What was that for?" he asks, his voice trembling with rage and fear. "The slap or the hug?" I ask him. He pauses for a moment and shakes his head. "I don't even know. I'm just glad you're okay," he says with a smile. He glances down at my neck, and I do too: there, just above my collarbone, is a jagged line, the only remnant of the few moments I was split in two.

I shiver and wrap my cloak around myself, covering the scar, and begin attempting to rise. Lux offers me his arm, gripping my shoulder to steady my sore, shaking body. The wound on my abdomen remains, making me stiff and unsure in my movements, and I wince at my efforts to stand up so quickly.

Breathing hard, I take one determined step after another and head for the door.

"Ahsoka, wait!" Lux calls behind me. I turn around, gripping the doorframe for support.

His expression is awkward, embarrassed, and he shuffles his feet, his arms crossed as he stares at the ground. "What I said to the evil you…I meant every word," he murmurs.

I look him up and down: no tingling sensation rushes through me. I don't feel faint. My heart isn't racing. His presence doesn't excite me the way it used to, and I look at the ground in shame. "I'm sorry, Lux, but everything on my side…I think it was all a result of her. I don't feel anything anymore," I tell him.

His face falls, and so does my heart. I feel terrible, but I am a Jedi. We couldn't have been together anyway, so it's better if there was no attachment anyway. "I'm very sorry," I say again. "I mean that."

He smirks. "I know that," he whispers. "You're nothing if not honest."

I sigh and return to him. "Oh, come on. We can still be friends. And if you ever need help, know there's a Jedi on your side," I tell him with a grin. He nods sadly, and I head back to my room to pack for our return to Coruscant. And, though it gives me no pleasure, I know I shouldn't visit Lux again before we go.


End file.
